This is theraputic...

This was written awhile ago but I like what I wrote and how it was written:

For his 40^th birthday I surprised my husband with a trip to Vegas.  It was to celebrate both of our 40^th year of life.  I wanted to recapture a weekend trip we took to Montreal.  That weekend we slept in, ate good food and enjoyed each other.

Two weeks after his big surprise, he surprised me by telling me he no longer wanted to be with me.

So I am just entering the second month of being separated from my husband of 15 years.  My initial reaction was to go into business/task mode: when are you telling your parents?  When are you moving out?   When were you planning to tell the kids, our ten year old son and our eight year old daughter?

 It was Monday.

He told his parents that Wednesday.   We told the kids that Friday night.  He moved out that Saturday.

I never cried in front of him.  I wasn’t going to beg or try and convince him to stay.  I asked about counseling.  He said no.  I asked is there someone else.  He said no.

We had, had a bad spot three years before.  At that time he did tell me he did not feel anything for me.  I thought we had worked through it.  I thought he was depressed and I was in it for sickness and health, good times and bad.

This time he was talking to someone else.  She too was going through a divorce.  I asked him three times if there was someone else.  I believe he did not have a physical affair with her, yet he did have an emotional one.  He was talking to her and not saying anything to me!

I have to admit I felt a distance.  I did even mention that I felt we were going back to three years ago.  He didn’t even say anything then.

He was out celebrating, I thought, his 40^th with all his friends.  Yet I was at home, with a bad feeling in my gut.  Also, at this time he was going for walks at night alone.  It makes me sick to think how long this affair was going on.

Fast forward to today I am 10 pounds lighter, taking meds to sleep, I have symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks and am seeing a psychologist.  I took the initiative to get a lawyer, arrange a mediator and dissolve our joint account (which we only just got a year ago).

I do not know what will happen at this point with the custody arrangements, our house or our “amicable” conversations.  We are very amicable in his eyes but again, I battle panic attacks everytime he comes to the house.  I made it through Christmas.  My kids are OK and still adjusting.  At this point they are what keep me going.   On Christmas day I broke down, I cried in front of him.  I told him that this has broken me.  He has stomped me down and walked over me.

I am not broken because I get out of bed every day and look forward to a year from now when I will be in a new normal.