This is theraputic...

This was written awhile ago but I like what I wrote and how it was written:

For his 40^th birthday I surprised my husband with a trip to Vegas.  It was to celebrate both of our 40^th year of life.  I wanted to recapture a weekend trip we took to Montreal.  That weekend we slept in, ate good food and enjoyed each other.

Two weeks after his big surprise, he surprised me by telling me he no longer wanted to be with me.

So I am just entering the second month of being separated from my husband of 15 years.  My initial reaction was to go into business/task mode: when are you telling your parents?  When are you moving out?   When were you planning to tell the kids, our ten year old son and our eight year old daughter?

 It was Monday.

He told his parents that Wednesday.   We told the kids that Friday night.  He moved out that Saturday.

I never cried in front of him.  I wasn’t going to beg or try and convince him to stay.  I asked about counseling.  He said no.  I asked is there someone else.  He said no.

We had, had a bad spot three years before.  At that time he did tell me he did not feel anything for me.  I thought we had worked through it.  I thought he was depressed and I was in it for sickness and health, good times and bad.

This time he was talking to someone else.  She too was going through a divorce.  I asked him three times if there was someone else.  I believe he did not have a physical affair with her, yet he did have an emotional one.  He was talking to her and not saying anything to me!

I have to admit I felt a distance.  I did even mention that I felt we were going back to three years ago.  He didn’t even say anything then.

He was out celebrating, I thought, his 40^th with all his friends.  Yet I was at home, with a bad feeling in my gut.  Also, at this time he was going for walks at night alone.  It makes me sick to think how long this affair was going on.

Fast forward to today I am 10 pounds lighter, taking meds to sleep, I have symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks and am seeing a psychologist.  I took the initiative to get a lawyer, arrange a mediator and dissolve our joint account (which we only just got a year ago).

I do not know what will happen at this point with the custody arrangements, our house or our “amicable” conversations.  We are very amicable in his eyes but again, I battle panic attacks everytime he comes to the house.  I made it through Christmas.  My kids are OK and still adjusting.  At this point they are what keep me going.   On Christmas day I broke down, I cried in front of him.  I told him that this has broken me.  He has stomped me down and walked over me.

I am not broken because I get out of bed every day and look forward to a year from now when I will be in a new normal.

Punch in the stomach

Dear Diary

After I became separated one of the most gut slapping moments I had was when someone asked me what do I like to do?  Meaning what do I do in my spare time?  I really had to think about it and I believe I said something like workout?!  Not a bad thing but up until that point it was arranging for the divorce, caring for the kids, cleaning my house and filling in any open time with working out.  

All that I thought I enjoyed doing was linked to the past.  Now I had a lot more time to myself.  I am still trying to figure out what I like to do.  And on the way I have done many things I have wanted to do yet never did because of lack of time, or no support.  I got a lot of both now and am continuing to look and arrange for my next adventure or bucket list item.

Keep you posted

No Match Made

So as you can see from the info below the title, Robyn's Nest, I have re-focused my blog (scroll up).  So since today is Sunday, it is Dear Diary Day.  We will see how this new schedule goes and may have to tweak it:) I will be creating a new blog for Breton and Daphne, more of a scrapbook style, so they can see photos of our adventures and activities.  I will post links to this new blog occasionally, so you have the option to see our family photos and at times I will use some of the photos in this blog.  Thank you for reading and hopefully sharing with others.

Dear Diary

This week I met with my therapist.  I made the appt after a day where I felt like I was spiraling...

She made me really think about my goals, and on that day I hadn't thought beyond that day.

She pointed out to me how fast I have done everything: getting a lawyer, organizing the mediator, the divorce, establishing MY house, talking to his new girlfriend... She asked me why am I jumping into dating again so fast?  It has been 8mths since the separation, 3mths since the finalization of the divorce.  I have dated but did not know really what I wanted.  With the Match.com, I even sabatoged a potential "match".  Too much information too fast.

So for now, I am withdrawing my profile from the website and we will see, slowly, if I meet someone the "old fashion way".

 

;)

Starting over can be nerve racking and overwhelming but then it can be sooooooo much fun heeheehee! :P