why I stopped blogging

It has been almost two years that I have not blogged.

There are several reasons why I stopped:

-It is time consuming. It is like having another job.  Especially when I was doing a blog a day.

-At times I am not living in the moment.  I am thinking "what from this event will I blog about...do I have a good pic to go with it?

-people used my blog to keep in contact with me.  And I guess this is true now more than ever with social media but I resented the fact that they knew what I was up to yet I had no idea about them...and there was no reaching out to get in contact unless I was doing it

-originally I was hoping I could earn funds doing it ( YMC  YummyMummyClub  I got paid...once )but realised that the genre changes quickly and I am no computer geek/savant so it is now like a photo album/virtual scrapbook for all our memories

-Am I too open? I always claim I wear my heart on my sleeve but my life has many people in it who get pulled into my blog.  I also share stories that can be very"open" PPD  becomes more like a Dear Diary...

-Apple iPhone stopped supporting the Blogger app.  I can no longer blog via my phone, so now it takes writing my posts in my Notes then emailing them to myself and then cut and pasting them into Blogger on my Chromebook or laptop (again there maybe a faster way but I am not knowledgable...)

PPD

WARNING: This might be hard to read.  Everything is OK now.

Hindsight is 20/20.  I know this now but when you are living it, pride, lack of knowledge and denial can get in the way.

I have become an emotional person since having my first child.  Thank you hormones.  Crying as I told my friend we were expecting, to the point she asked if I wanted to be pregnant?  Of course I did,  it was just thinking about the huge responsibility of raising a new human of my own... WOW!  I cried at TV commercials, during my baby showers and during the ride home from the hospital.  

"I am ok." I sobbed from the backseat as Breton's Dad drove us home for the first time.  I cried as the first visitors came to see him.

Wikipedia :

Postpartum depression (PPD)Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. Although a number of risk factors have been identified, the causes of PPD are not well understood. Many women recover with a treatment consisting of a support group or counseling.

My crying was later saved to the privacy of my own home.  

I can remember being depressed about my lack of weight loss.  I wouldn't eat anything but mints and drink tea all day, then eat dinner when Breton's Dad got home.  He didn't know.  But he did know I cried about it.  He saw me cry a lot. 

I irritated easily, I wasn't happy.  I loved Breton, never did I question that or neglect him. It came in waves to.  Good days and then sad days.  I worried about money and the future.  My unhappiness, my inability to express what was going on lead to frustrating fights.  Our frustration and fights lead to a hole in our bedroom door, me launching a chair to the floor...

I remember spending a lot of time soaking in a hot bath...relaxing?  During my soak I thought of just going under and staying under.  But I wouldn't leave my new son without a mom.  Living without my Mom since I was 24 was hard, how could I do that to my son on purpose?

I survived, obviously.  Never did I seek help because at the time i didn't know any better.  Looking back I realized it and upon becoming pregnant with my daughter I was prepared to ask for help if I saw the signs.  I never did.  

Hindsight is 20/20