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Tuesday, July 21, 2015


WARNING: This might be hard to read.  Everything is OK now.

Hindsight is 20/20.  I know this now but when you are living it, pride, lack of knowledge and denial can get in the way.

I have become an emotional person since having my first child.  Thank you hormones.  Crying as I told my friend we were expecting, to the point she asked if I wanted to be pregnant?  Of course I did,  it was just thinking about the huge responsibility of raising a new human of my own... WOW!  I cried at TV commercials, during my baby showers and during the ride home from the hospital.  

"I am ok." I sobbed from the backseat as Breton's Dad drove us home for the first time.  I cried as the first visitors came to see him.

Wikipedia :

Postpartum depression (PPD)Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. Although a number of risk factors have been identified, the causes of PPD are not well understood. Many women recover with a treatment consisting of a support group or counseling.
My crying was later saved to the privacy of my own home.  
I can remember being depressed about my lack of weight loss.  I wouldn't eat anything but mints and drink tea all day, then eat dinner when Breton's Dad got home.  He didn't know.  But he did know I cried about it.  He saw me cry a lot. 
I irritated easily, I wasn't happy.  I loved Breton, never did I question that or neglect him. It came in waves to.  Good days and then sad days.  I worried about money and the future.  My unhappiness, my inability to express what was going on lead to frustrating fights.  Our frustration and fights lead to a hole in our bedroom door, me launching a chair to the floor...
I remember spending a lot of time soaking in a hot bath...relaxing?  During my soak I thought of just going under and staying under.  But I wouldn't leave my new son without a mom.  Living without my Mom since I was 24 was hard, how could I do that to my son on purpose?
I survived, obviously.  Never did I seek help because at the time i didn't know any better.  Looking back I realized it and upon becoming pregnant with my daughter I was prepared to ask for help if I saw the signs.  I never did.  
Hindsight is 20/20

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